Listen up grandma: I’m taking that Yankee candle you just got from the Secret Santa off your hands. Apple pumpkin is my favorite smell and I don’t feel like ordering it off Amazon myself. I know the only card game you know is Go fish but we’re playing some poker this year.
Before reading this you need to know two things. Number one: I love candles. Number two: I watch World Series of Poker a lot because ESPN has nothing good on at 2 in the morning.
Let’s be real. No one wants to sit around the table and pretend they care about the new overpriced scarf you bought from the Polo outlet, have awkward talks with their grandparents about where you’re going to college even though you’re only in 8th grade, or eat the barely edible ham made by your cousin who after one year in college making ramen every night thinks he’s a chef. So how do you spice up these boring gatherings?
Bring out the cards.
Think of like any character from any movie. I probably have an exact replica of him or her in my family. Whether it be the military man who yells at the kids for having their elbows on the table, the benevolent aunt who can’t stop smiling and constantly forces cookies on you, or the cousin who wants to leave after an hour to hang out with her boyfriend, I’ve been exposed to it all.
However, when the chips come out and there’s something on the line, something extraordinary happens. Everyone becomes fixated on being the family poker night champion. Beware: it can get ruthless. My cousin left with a black eye once (sorry Ben you shouldn’t have tried to cheat).
Anyway, the rest of this column goes out to the youngest kids in their family (or at least an only child in your immediate family). This is what you’ll need to do to be successful and turn your family Christmas poker game into an easy win.
First things first, you need to get everyone to agree to open presents before the game starts. This way you have things to bet. Next, make sure you only vaguely explain the rules to the newcomers. Is this scummy of you? Yes. Finally, and this can make or break the victory, you need your overprotective mom watching over the game.
Once in the game it’s pretty simple. Go all in with your gifts every time. It’s a win win situation. Either you win the pot and take everyone’s gifts or you get yours back because your mom says “Come on guys, he’s my little boy you can’t take his presents away from him on Christmas.” It also works to throw in some tears.
There you go guys. There’s the foolproof way to leave with more presents than you came with. Now your grandma’s going to think twice about flaunting that limited edition Yankee candle.
If you don’t like candles please disregard everything I said and re-evaluate your life.