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Film Failures: Neil Breen

In this story I will be talking about, in my opinion, the worst director of all time. The man, the myth, the legend Neil Breen.

Now, after reading my title you might be thinking to yourself “Who is Neil Breen?” Well, I pity you, uninformed reader. Neil Breen is quite possibly one of the funniest personalities I have come across on the internet.

Neil Breen is a Indie film maker who has made a total of 4 films. In each film, Neil Breen also plays the primary character. Today, I am only going to be talking about his first three films, “Fateful Findings”, “Double Down”, and “I am here… Now”.

Not only does Breen play the main character in all his movies, his character is always a Christ allegory. Every one of his films is “deep” and “existential.” For a film to convey these types of themes, it has to be done with grace, and Neil Breen does not do this.

Let’s start with his first film “Double Down”. You can definitely tell this is his first film because it is by far the least interesting one. In this movie, Neil Breen plays a hacker who lives in the desert and hacks the government. Nobody can stop him because of his hacking magic.

This amazing hacker does have one faint flaw. He has to overcome his depression about his dead lover. The movie has tons of emotional scenes due to this internal conflict. As usual, Neil Breen handles these delicate scenes with the grace of a five year old on a sugar rush.

Now if you watch this film, or any Breen film for that matter, you will realize why they are so funny. Neil Breen and everyone around him is a horrible actor. They stink at their job. There’s really not much to say for this movie. Let’s move on.

Next, we have “I am here… Now”. In this film, Neil Breen plays alien space techno Jesus. There’s nothing more omnipotent than that! In this one, Neil Breen is a God alien who is disappointed in the human species.

He comes to earth and punishes the evil and rewards the good. Everyone in this movie is either one of the two, good or evil. They are either super good, or super horrible. The people are mean to a laughable level. One of the characters literally pushes over someone in a wheelchair.

There’s this lady who works at a solar panel company who gets laid off because the evil businessmen don’t like solar panels. She is forced to work as an escort for this… mob? They are like a group of men who stand in the middle of the street with guns.

They shoot each other and act like complete idiots. All the shooting scenes are done horrible with obvious fake blood. It’s really something to laugh at. I would suggest looking these scenes up.

So, this handicapped man in a wheelchair who I mentioned earlier helps the escorts child pick up a toy. The man is then cured of cancer by alien Jesus Neil Breen. He can also walk again.

I could talk more about this movie, but it’s really repetitive. Breen finds a comic bad guy and makes them pay or finds a comic good guy and cures them of their suffering. At the end, he ascends in the heaven.

Now, I saved the best for last. This is commonly known as Breens funniest film, “Fateful Findings.”

The movie starts with Neil Breen and his lady friend as kids. They get magic rocks. This makes Breen have the powers of Christ. Again, he plays a omnipotent character. His lady friend moves away and they never get to see each other again, or so they think!

Cut to Neil Breen as a disgusting rickley adult. While talking with his wife, he gets hit by a car. He just coincidentally is holding his magic Jesus rock when he gets hit. He is sent to the emergency room.

While there, a doctor who looks suspiciously like his old lady friend treats him. Because Breen is holding on to his magic rock, he just walks out of the emergency magically unscathed from the accident. He awkwardly dances in the shower with his wife.

Breen is also a genius hacker. He is hacking the government. He plans to write a book about all the government secrets he finds.

He is given pills for his headaches that he apparently has. He feels as if he doesn’t need them so he throws his pills in the toilet, but does not flush it. His wife takes pills out of the toilet and takes them because now she is a druggy.

At his friend’s barbecue, he meets his old lady friend who just so happened to be the doctor we saw earlier, he is immediately infatuated with her again.

Later on, his friends wife shoots her husband. Some say this is the emotional climax of this rollercoaster of a film. Breen holds his now shot friend and emotionlessly whines about how he had to die. You can see a hose dripping blood into the shirt.

Neil Breen goes out with his old lady friend and his wife overdoses on pills. He just makes his lady friend his wife. Everything is just fine, Neil Breen learns to love his replacement wife. But, oh no! The government steals his new wife to get him to stop hacking.

Using his powers of teleportation that the Jesus rock grants him, he saves his new wife from the government. Neil Breen holds a press conference to reveal all the government secrets he has discovered through hacking and all the government officials kill themselves. The end.

I am truly not doing these films justice. I had to leave so many things out just to explain the basic plots of each film. It’s insane, if I did explain everything it would be hard to understand why it’s so funny without just watching it.

Please go watch these films somewhere. They are hilariously bad. If you ever wanted to laugh, I’m sure there is something in this film for you. Just look up a scene or two. I promise, you will not be disappointed.

About Aidan White

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